At a time when the nation is fundamentally lacking in leadership
one man isn’t afraid to step up to the plate.
One man isn’t afraid to say it like it is
One man isn’t afraid to ask everybody else to shut up
It was I who called Zardari and asked him what he was wearing. I wanted to make sure
enough oxygen was getting to his brain. He seemed to think the Lashkar was operating from Mars instead of his backyard. And no one else in the country seemed to be doing anything so I did it.Instead he harassed me sexually. Based on several first hand insights I have prepared a statement:
Good evening lady and gentlmen, due to the nature of the news
from nariman house and taj I will be brief.
Firstly we will be buying some balls for the political leadership
Secondly we will fire the political leadership of India.
Thirdly we will ask the cops to catch the robbers.
That is all I have.
Feel free to hyperventilate and ask me some sensational questions that you can loop infinitely on TV.
Q1:What do you mean by “lady and gentlemen we’ll buy everyone testicles”?
Isn’t this a remarkably vulgar and sexist thing to say at a sensitive time like this?
AVX: You will notice that due to female infanticide my first greeting in this august hall in Haryana was grammatically correct.
Furthermore I have no intention of buying everyone testicles, I can barely get my
hands on some kidneys. I mean, we will spend Rs 7 to Rs 9 per rubber ball per politician.
This will keep them occupied. It works brilliantly on my daschunds.
So, it was neither vulgar nor sexy, it’s been two weeks since our country was
brutally attacked, perhaps we should wait longer? Maybe ?Saturn ?is in the wrong house?
Maybe his shoe is in Uranus?
Q2: Er, what do you mean “fire”? Do you then literally mean that we should do a reverse
sati or are you suggesting more moderate effigies? Are you communal or are you secular?
AVX: Idiot. I’m not suggesting lynching anyone. I mean we will terminate them from their employment so
they can juggle their new found balls. I am both communal and secular. On Mondays, Wednesdays
and Fridays I am communal. On Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays I will be secular.
Every Sunday I will toss
a fair coin on Saturday evening. This is rather important or I will have to do something
silly like letting cartoonists represent hinduism and thugs represent secularism. Don’t get me
wrong, I’m quite open minded but since that plan hasn’t worked for the last two decades I think it’s time
for all of them to shut up and go home.
Q3:Er what exactly do you mean we will ask the cops to catch the robbers?
AVX: Listen, numbnuts, I will be telling the damn police that I don’t care about what they call themselves,
who they are, where they’re from as long as they love me.No more RAF, State Police, Navy, Army, IB, UB, BSF, BS etc etc.
Only cops. No more foreign fighters, unlawful combatants, jihadis, terrorists, fundamentalists; only robbers.
Cops are to catch robbers.
Cops are to have real guns.
Cops are not to tell non-robbers what to do
Cops are not to smile for cameras.
Cops are not to enter into pissing contests over jurisdiction
Cops are not to pass the buck.
Cops are not to take money, gift vouchers, etc from robbers
Robbers will not be talked to, there will be silence in the class room.
Robbers will not be asked their caste and religion(that’s just discrimination)
Robbers will not be allowed to stay in guest houses in Karachi.
Q4: Admirable sentiments, but surely you don’t think the entire political establishment
is going to just quit do you?
AVX: Of course they are. I own them. I’ve just bought them on facebook. It’s really easy; no wonder Dawood and Ali of the docks have such an easy time of it. But that’s a site called hawala, I’m not registered on that site yet.
For more information on AVX Shenoy’s past exploits reviewers can check the following link: