In a flurry of activity, supreme being God pre-empted several penances over the weekend and astonished devotees and unbelievers alike by appearing much before His ETA. Seers, sages and ordinary devotees were surprised on Saturday just fractions of a second before they embarked on their penances and propitiations when God suddenly stood before them and asked them to stop whatever it was they were doing. The Creator and Overlord of the universe apparently said ’Hey hey hey, yo yo, wait, stop. Whatever it is you’re hoping to get through this lengthy penance, you’re not. I’m sorry, I can’t give out free stuff to every guy who utters My name for twenty years. So you can go ahead and chant it, but you’re not getting anything,’ thoroughly disillusioning followers.
“I was about to start with my hymns and cryptic utterances when He stood before me and asked me to stop.” said one devotee in Girinagar, Bangalore. “He said He wouldn’t give me anything so I could go jump off a cliff. He also used foul language, which surprised me a little. I mean, you wouldn’t expect God to say ‘I’m not giving you a fucking thing’, would you?”
“No,” the devotee continued, unnecessarily answering his own rhetorical question but settling any residual doubts. Another devotee in Hebbal said God had not only pre-empted his penance but also threatened to throw him off the much-vaunted flyover nearby if he didn’t stop. “I was going to ask for immortality when He appeared and said ‘Listen, dumbass. You can spare yourself the effort. You’re. Getting. Nothing.’ and then said ‘I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. You either stop this pointless thing and go live well and die anyway, or I throw you off the Hebbal flyover. So you’re going to have to ask yourself one question:- Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?’”
“I didn’t expect (that) He’d quote Dirty Harry.” the devotee admitted. Meanwhile, conflicting reports have emerged from Rajajinagar, where a rich, stingy, obese man embarked upon a penance. “All these reports are false. God appeared before I could start and actually granted me the boon I had hoped to ask Him” said T N Hanif Patel, a real estate mogul in the area. “He said ‘You are a gross, filthy, nasty guy. Here, take heaps of money.’ and the next thing I knew, I had a few crores more in my bank account. It’s weird…but I like it.” Apparently, God then went on a crazy spree, killing a rabbit, gouging out the eyes of a doe, randomly administering kisses of death to old people, tripping up children with polio, making infants slip into comas and continuously puncturing the tyres of the bicycle of one Boothalingam of Malleshwaram, making the latter very very angry indeed. This has led to a dip in His popularity among pious folk, as per the latest Pius-Gallup poll, but has caused a resurgence of respect for Him in the atheist segment. “He isn’t there. But if He is, and is acting crazy like this, then more people will start believing He isn’t there. Victory!” exulted militant atheist Christopher Hitchens in a weirdly circumlocutory line of thought, before embarking upon another book where he underscored his opposition to religion by spelling god with a small ‘g’ everywhere.
Meanwhile, Mindry.in has now become a divided house, with some writers advocating unnecessary assaults upon people’s religious beliefs (mainly because ‘pissing people off is fun!’ [sic]) and others advocating restraint. The former group is seen as having an edge over the latter, mainly on account of being numerically superior and eating eggs every day. They are also braver and bolder, not hesitating to take potshots at Gods, deities and other higher beings in the confidence that these beings could do them no harm. Reports that God was hurtling through the evening sky cackling with glee have bolstered the atheist writers’ claims about Him being non-caring and, actually, powerless to spirit their lives away. It can therefore be proved that there is no –
