The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation dropped nearly half a crore on an idea of using ultrasound as a temporary and reversible male contraceptive. Sounds fancy, doesn’t it? Let’s rephrase. Bill Gates gave someone 50 lakhs to blast your balls with supersonic weapons so all your sperm die.
It’s only scary ‘cause it’s true.
A prediction of things to come
Excerpts from the Times news article say something along the lines of “Ultrasound produces a heating and vibrating effect that appears to disable sperm cells and deplete the stem cells that are required to replenish sperm reserves in the testes. Post-treatment images of the rat testes showed the tubules inside the testes completely lacking in sperm with almost no immature stem cells[The Times].”
The scientists have already tried blasting the balls of male rats, with “promising results.” With further testing on lower mammals we could have this being done on humans before 2012. The big game plan, apparently, is to have this being used the world over to replace most other forms of condoms.
The scientists behind this blasted theory are convinced that there’s a marketful of men who’re willing to do this. Of course, it’s quite possible that the scientists who proposed this plan are in no danger of having sex with anyone, since they clearly don’t understand either gender of the human species.
This little nugget, full of pointless facts, would be fine, and could easily be dismissed as another novel way for Bill Gates to fritter away the fortune he’s acquired through skill and cunning.
Except….
The Conspiracy and leap of logic
It’s obvious to anyone who’s read the last few sentences that Bill Gates has entered into a conspiracy with a condom company. There’s absolutely no way in hell that any sober or even drunk out of his frikking skull guy would agree to it. Picture this:
MAN 1: Hey, man, you’re drunk.
MAN 2(drunk and bent over): Hey, man, I’m drunk too.
MAN 1: What’s 17 squared?
MAN 2: A lot of f#$@ing squares.
MAN 1: I think in this stage you’re likely to indulge in risky sexual behavior.
MAN 2: I wish… yeah, sure. Why not?
MAN 1: Come. Let’s go and blast your balls with ultra sonic waves so you’ll have no sperm for the next six months. That way, you won’t knock anyone up.
MAN 2(suddenly straightening up): No, I think I’ll get a university education that’ll statistically help me earn a higher wage. I found your theories on differential equations fascinating. Yes, I’ll major in that or fractals. You have a splendid day, old chap. (shakes hands) and, if you ever speak of blasting my balls again I’ll have you killed. You must know that. Carry on.
I think it’s safe to say that this form of contraception isn’t going to catch on. Certainly not the world over. I don’t think anyone’s that secure. So why is Bill throwing his money away? There’s only one group of people who stand to gain, (Two if you count the four people who think the human population isn’t high enough) the condom companies. Given the choice between having some crazy frustrated med student take aim at my family jewels and lower the carat value, however temporarily, or buying a rubber balloon at 10 bucks a pop, I think I can safely predict my reaction.
How will we know for sure… before it happens?
Okay, putting a conspiracy theory out there is one thing, but there are other predictions we need to be able to make that will prove we’re on the right track. In two months, the Gates Foundation will announce a $2 million grant for a proposal to have small spaceships fire phasers at the general abdominal area to also reduce motility and act as a contraceptive. That’s when you’ll know for sure that ol’ Bill Gates is in bed with the condom companies for sure. Yes, tiny little microscopic spaceships with Phasers.
