Jammu and Kashmir Chief Minister Omar Abdullah has vehemently condemned the arming of the valley’s misguided youth with stones. Poor and helpless security forces armed only with guns and phone tapping equipment are defenseless against this marauding gang of morons trying to be cool.
India is expected to buy the latest sticks from Russia and Israel to counter separatist's stone-throwing
“Most youth at this age across the world are stoners, but these fellows seem to have slightly misunderstood the meaning. There is something seriously wrong with a teenage subculture that promotes actual throwing of stones as being cooler than getting stoned. This is the right age for them to be stoners, with weed not rocks. But they’ve completely misinterpreted the message in Kashmir. The security forces should immediately insert a battalion of weed dealers and “cool kids” to show these dudes how to behave,” opined soon to be cool kid Thabish. “We have to help them roll joints, distract them with environmental issues, rock music and organized sport, much like we do with the rest of India. We simply cannot fight them conventionally.”
“It certainly looks like the LeT has taken the English saying ‘Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’ to heart,” says bank manager AVX Shenoy. “Since the aim is to indeed break bones the seperatists have decided to stop talking and start stoning. They’re such smart cookies, enthu cutlets and other intelligent food items.”
Meanwhile, the government has refused to comment on reports of buying sticks from Russia to the tune of Rs 900 Crores to counter the use of stones by Pakistan backed groups in Kashmir. These sticks are expected to be laser guided sticks that can be used for precision ppts as well as beating the shit out of stone throwers. The first batch of sticks is expected to be delivered to troops by 2012 with indigenous production under license to start by 2015.
Unconfirmed reports suggest that under the latest DRDO program India is expected to be self-sufficient in stick production by 2023 by which time the stone throwing teenagers will no longer be teenagers.
