Ahmedinejad Gifted With A Nuclear Weapon On His New Birthday
The United States has decided to try a new tack on its looming war with Iran. The Pentagon’s super secret “Reverse Psychological Warfare Department” has recommended that America try to stop trying to stop Iran from getting its own mushroom-makers and actively aid Tehran in its pursuit of the bomb.
“When Barack Obama took over, the world knew that the most powerful military on the planet had a more cunning warlord at the helm. But no one expected him to really change the way the US prosecuted its conflicts. Mindful of the failure in finding non-existent WMDs in Iraq the US administration has decided to give Tehran nukes before they attack,” said Dr Xiao Lao Feng of Beijing’s HaiXiee Institute of International Screw-ups. Dr Feng listed the Pentagon’s motives ,aka reasons, other than the obvious one of this option being so much easier:
1. Pay it forward…Not:
It’s so wonderful to see someone succeed. Iran’s underdog effort to “also” be able to commit genocide is so endearing to the American spirit. At its present pace Tehran will take years to do something white people did 50 years ago, but the US donating one of its thousands of nuclear weapons to Iran will speed up the process from “years” to “tomorrow”. This is will be one of those rare, yet, poignant anecdotes against sharing and doing favors that is so lacking in the cultural narrative, which was hijacked by that stupid, feel good underground hit movie Pay It Forward.
2 Equality
The US had already donated its weapons designs to Britain, at least. Plus, over the years several dozens of nations have fondled and handled long cylindrical objects made in the US with Uranium in them. It’s only fair now that the US let Iran play with its toys now. Like and like alike.
3 Ahmedinajad’s brain might short out
After spewing venom at the US for decades on end Iran’s President will have nothing to bitch and moan about, except his own people hating his guts because he keeps sticking his nose into their business. There’s also the possibility of a scowl on that pretty face being replaced with a double take.
4 Iran might just man up
It could be like an episode of Wonder Years , only instead of Kevin Arnold smoking every cigarette in the pack as punishment for coveting a single tobacco stick, Ayatollah Khamenei could be asked to deal with hundreds of doomsday devices and actually come up with a vision for the world after the destruction of a measly state with 6 million people. What is Iran going to do after Israel is destroyed? Do we know? Do they know? It would be nice the for Ayatollah to use it as a segway to narrate the futility of war and other dumb shit like that.
5 A Real War: Hells yeah!
Going to war against an Iran without nuclear weapons poses no threat of annihilation or even a bloody nose for America. Not really. Yes, there’s all this bullshit talk of the US being in debt etc etc. But imaginary math on the speculative economy aside, the US does have enough guns and bombs to kill everyone it allegedly owes. So no one’s going to call in any debts, not China, not Nepal, not even a Citibank owned by Saudi. The propaganda guys have simply gotten tired of the brave American soldier with his laser guided-weapons mowing down 30 tanks of the “great” enemy that were outdated even in the ’80s when they were bought, let alone 30 years later when they’re listed in the thesaurus under “target”.
6 Quietly hoping Iran will Nuke Afghanistan and Pakistan
It’s almost common knowledge now that the problem in Afghanistan is Pakistan. Pakistan, however, has real weapons sold to it by the US, and it might be difficult for brave Americans to fight against a country that doesn’t have the latest weapons from 1965 but actual guns and stuff. But Iran doesn’t particularly care about its casualties. Some senior officials seem to strongly favor pitting Iran against these two countries nuking three birds with one stone as it were.
7 Sticking it to the Asteroid That Strikes the Earth Two Days After Nuclear Armageddon
Imagine you’re an unstoppable asteroid that’s about to get it’s jollies by levelling all life on Earth. There’s no way to stop you. Except, if there’s nothing to destroy. Iran nukes the wrong guy with donated weapons. Wrong guy nukes America for donating weapons and finally everyone nukes everyone. Then asteroid strikes killing absolutely nothing leaving a pyrrhic crater.
8 No one Will Give a Shit about the Famine in Gaza Then
Oh, wait, no one cares about that even now. But, if Iran did nuke someone, people would certainly care less about the civilian population of Palestine.
9 Screw you, China
China seems to have some unnatural fetish for giving nukes to unpredictable countries like North Korea and Pakistan. The US can now outflank China since it has more to give. Kind of like a Columbian gang taking over from the Canadian gangs in the cocaine scene back in the day.
10 Lowering the Price of Nukes So Satire Writers Can Afford them
This increase in supply will naturally lower the price of nukes. That way satire writers in countries dominated by dogs and ruled by pussies can have their own nukes in their basement and reply to a court summons from a corrupt judge(or the one retired honest one) with a guaranteed assurance of a 30kT shockwave. It’s called deterence.
