This is a straight-forward joke, but could a really well-placed jibe start war between India and Nicolas Sarkozy's France?
French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s visit to India comes with the usual difficulties. However, add to it Sarkozy’s penchant for pissing people off…you get a special kind of scare…cutting satire.
Lots of Angry People
The French president’s advancing of his visit to the Taj Mahal has reportedly inconvenienced over 15,000 visitors to the famous tourist destination. Of these, some are just upfront disgruntled visitors who have expressed their ire in a fairly straightforward manner. “There’s more anger and frustration than excitement at Sarkozy’s visit. If it’s a private visit, then why disturb the public? Go and enjoy the Taj quietly,” one visitor is alleged to have told the Times. However, officials do not fear these kind of forthright people. Sarkozy is expected to move through Jaipur, Fatehpur Sikri and other places said to be frequented by some of India’s, nay, the world’s most wry and sarcastic people. These are people have been charged with using cynicism on their own toddlers. “No, of course, mommy and daddy don’t want you to study. Play, go ahead, relax. We don’t want you to go to college, and get a good job. You’ll do fine as an illiterate in the computer age. I’m sure some girl would love to spend time with a complete ignoramus, who’s got no prospects,” one set of parents on their way to Jaipur’s famous Hawa Mahal were overheard saying to their 5-year-old bawling son who was resisting saying his ABCs on the train.
One Sensitive “Target”
“The real concern is indeed sarcasm. French President Sarkozy is known to be sensitive about his nose, his height, allegations of corruption against him and other such things, much like an Indian politician. He’s not as cool as Obama and stuff who can be cool,” said one Indian official on condition of 15 minutes of fame. We at mindry.in decided to screw the gossip-monger over. That’s right we’re not going to give this little twerp any credit. “Sarkozy has sued loads of people. And he’s not averse to the odd bit of violence on a national scale. One Pakistani Admiral reportedly lost his fine bone structure at the hands of French commandos because he screwed over some of Niki’s friends and had a few engineers murdered. He’s not tree-hugging New Europe. He’s old Europe. You know, the guys who brought us 400 years of colonialism, two world wars and one of the most nuclear fronts of the Cold War. The Government of India does not want to tick this guy off.”
The Weapon: VIP Frenchie
Bizarre Kitsch Ad for VIP Frenchie circa 1980s
From the ‘80s with the knowledge (and some say support) of French Intelligence agencies, an underwear brand has existed in India going by the name of VIP Frenchie. While Mitterrand and later Chirac were decidedly ambivalent regarding this linen brand, it is unknown what the mercurial Sarkozy thinks. “One well-placed jibe by any of those 15,000 angry tourists or even just an arbitrary Indian satirist could wreck our entire relationship with the French government” said our still un-credited chatterbox of a source. “We’ve tried to reach out to satirists at Faking News, Mindry.in, NTMN all of whom are alleged to have links to global satire groups such as the Onion. What we fear the most is a one-hit wonder who may not really be linked to any of these groups officially but loosely “inspired” by them,” said our involuntarily anonymous source.
Other experts such as Sharath Kowligi of Mindry.in dismiss such fears. “Security services are bracing for a really witty jibe about Sarkozy using the words ‘VIP Frenchie’. He’s sort of sensitive apparently. But it’s not easy, you know. It’s like a terrorist assembling a nuclear bomb, not too many have the technical know-how for that kind of satire, as it were. Sure someone might photoshop a picture badly or just say “VIP Frenchie” three times at him at an airport. That’s possible: mediocre, predictable humor, kind of like a dirty bomb with the materials but not putting it together very well. Yeah, I’m aware that I needlessly used a parallel with nuclear weapons. Just ask my ex about it, I plug nukes wherever I can. Oh, wait I’m still doing it. But I suggest we stop over-hyping this issue. No sarcastic genius is going to make Sarko cry and go to war against India.”
Despite experts warning against an over-reaction the Indian contingent is apparently trying to distract the French leader from any mention of witticism or humor. “We’re focussing on how all our military stuff is really, really old, so he can sell us merely old stuff worth billions of euros. Yeah, this kind of ass-kissing works at all levels. Please, mention my name, re. Here’s ten bucks,” No.
