Bin Laden was killed in million dollar mansion in a Pakistani military city
US President Barack Obama announced that Bin Laden was shot and killed in the garrison city of Abbotabad in Pakistan. Mindry.in documents the beginning of the aftermath.
Lone Expert Who Insisted Bin Laden was not in Pakistan to Be Pointed and Laughed at for 24 hours
An unnamed expert (name withheld to protect words that rhyme with his name, yes, yes we all know it was a guy) who held the lone position that Bin Laden was not in Pakistan will allegedly surrounded by the US President, Vice President, Secretary of State and the entire national security council of the US and laughed at for a whole day on Tuesday or Wednesday. “We’re just waiting for the crowds outside the White House to disperse. Don’t want the mocking laughter of our circle to be drowned out by the militant chanting of “USA” and “Yes we can”.
All Mobs look alike
Thousands of Americans thronged to the White House and Ground Zero in jubilation at the death of Bin Laden. “It is mildly disconcerting to see large mobs happy at one man’s death but such is the call of vengeance. Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi made a lot of money, you know. No, it’s not insensitive, about 3,000 people died after 9/11 and over 100,000 people died in Operation Infinite Justice. This is not a moral war. The US trained Bin Laden to fight the Soviets, it’s a matter of historical record. The US allows the House of Saud to exist and impose medieval laws. It’s wishful thinking to say that we can now get back to worrying about the y2K bug ,” said Thabish. “This ain’t over. There are plenty of super-tall, super rich sheikhs with a distorted sense of Islam still in Saudi Arabia.”
Lessons for UK and Europe
“People of Britain and Europe understand better now why they are no longer the superpower of the world. British crowds came out to celebrate the marriage of the second in line to a powerless throne, people gathered in Italy to celebrate the beatification of their deceased head priest certified by his former subordinates but American crowds come to mark the death of an enemy. That’s what winners do. Scream at the corpse of the loser,” said a deranged ex-judge who’d acquitted a man of fratricide since it was a secular crime. “Of course, it could also be because a petulant America wanted the attention back on it after the Will-Kat wedding. “
Will-Kat did not hunt down Bin Laden for Honeymoon
Palace officials refused to comment on allegations that Prince William and Kate Middleton hunted down Bin Laden as a honeymoon adventure. The US government insists Navy SEALS were the ones that went after Bin Laden’s $1 million mansion 30 km from the Pakistani capital.
Fatwa issued against seals by radical cleric
A misinformed cleric has hastily declared a fatwa against all seals. The blubbery creatures are not very worried as there aren’t that many seals in the deserts of Saudi Arabia, home of Bin Laden, the ideology he espoused and the oil that funded it.
SUV Owner Realizes He Funded Terrorism…and Canadianism
Finally joining the dots, an SUV owner in rural Kentucky made the link that his overt consumption of petroleum was in many ways responsible for 9/11. “I get 200 yards per gallon. So I buy a lot of gas. Gas in the US primarily comes from Canada and Saudi Arabia. Canada gets more money the more oil I use. So does Saudi. Saudi’s oil is owned by rich people in Saudi. Bin Laden and his ilk are mainly rich people in Saudi. Damn, I should buy electric. Don’t want to support more Canadianism, being polite and caring about ice-hockey. It was so depressing I got myself a card.”
Greeting card companies trying to create “Anti-Terrorism Day”
“It’s kind of insensitive to profit from 9/11. I mean, we’re not Haliburton. But Bin Laden’s fall might be a good day to usurp as anti-terrorism day. This might save us, especially after we realized that Will and Kate wouldn’t be getting married on the 29th of April every year. This’ll be on a ‘we finally succeeded in something’ theme,” said a highly placed official in the greeting card business on the condition of anonymity.
9-year old New Yorker surprised at America succeeding at anything
“Yeah, my Dad got me card from this crappy Internet company he runs out of his garage. The card said ‘we killed his ass’. Even I can write better copy than that. But it’s strange to see America succeed at something. Sure we got Saddham but we lost our excuse for going to war in the Middle East after that. Then we re-elected Bush. And of course, the fall of Lehman Brothers and the rest of the economy floating defiantly in the toilet… I was really concerned about those investments I made when I was 3. I’m about to write my autobiography(about my life so far), you know. This’ll be a nice ending chapter. The last line will still be “to be continued”.
This report is a part of Volume 1 of the Outhouse Letters. Click to see more details
